Roland's Musings on Marriage

These are not exhaustive by any means, but they are things that I have documented in my head over the years, and thought I would begin a continual list of musings. This one is on marriage. I'll probably update this as more come to mind. Thought that my mistakes in the past may be of some help to some of you men.

1) Your wife’s home is her office, be sure you allow for enough funds in your budget for her decorate her home to her liking.
2) Call her during the middle of the day for no particular reason other than to tell her hello and that you’ve been thinking of her.
3) Let your children know that your wife is #1 and they are #2. They will be shocked to hear this at first, but they will realize that it is best that they are # 2 in relation to your wife.
4) Take over all parental duties when you get home from work. If the kids need attending to take care of it.
5) Tell your wife she has a nice haircut after she gets her hair cut. In fact find out when she’s going to get her hair cut and make sure you input in your PDA, day timer, or whatever you use to organize your day.
6) Give yourself and your wife enough time in the evening to talk about the day. This means teaching your children that after, for example, 8:00 pm everyone goes to their room to read or do some quiet activity. This will give you at least a couple of hours before bed to talk to your wife.
7) Involve her in your ministry as much as possible. In other words, if possible, serve together.
8) Screen all calls when you get home from the office, this will allow you to prioritize your phone calls.
9) Don’t answer the phone between the time you get home and the time your kids go to bed.
10) Don’t walk into the house after a day at work talking on the cell phone or the family will walk away dejected.
11) Your wife is your best ally in helping you pursue holiness and purity.
12) Ask her about her quiet times with the Lord, regularly.
13) Ask her how you can be of most help in encouraging her in her walk with the Lord.
14) Learn to cry in front of your wife. She needs to see your sensitive side periodically.
15) Make every effort to resolve conflict before going to bed.
16) If you get into a conflict in front of your children, resolve that conflict in front of them as well.
17) Find out ways you could encourage her to use her spiritual gifts. For example, if you believe her spiritual gift is hospitality, then initiate bringing people into your home for meals etc…

Living for the King

This past Sunday I had the privilege of preaching from Matthew 6:25-34. One of the things I love about preaching is the amount of study that is poured into God’s Word, but with the study comes responsibility, namely the application of God’s Word. Our church (Faith Bible Church) is doing a four week series on stewardship both from the pulpit ministry and our small group ministry. It has been quite challenging both for my wife and I, and also for our children. We have had many conversations in our home regarding how we spend our money, how we use our resources, and what we spend our time in.

In Matthew 6:19-34, the entire section is built around Jesus’ exhortation in 6:33, …seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Jesus says it another way in verses 19-20, …lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven. The natural response of someone desiring to seek God’s Kingdom or lay up treasures in heaven is anxiety. Therefore, the words of Jesus in verses 25-34 serves as an encouragement to believers who want to follow the Lord in obedience to His commands. Don’t be anxious is his encouragement and He gives three reasons why there is no need for anxiety: 1) He will sustain our life, 2) He will supply us with what we need, 3) He will strengthen us for each day’s troubles. These three actions of God flow right out of the text, and it would have been an encouragement for the believers truly seeking God’s Kingdom to persevere in their faith despite what trials may come as a result of laying up treasures in heaven. The failure to trust in the 3 actions of God described in this text is a demonstration of a lack of faith. And as George Mueller said: The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.

This was a powerful message for my heart. I was compelled as the leader in my home to lead my family in this area of our life. Men, let me offer some possible discussion questions you may want to have with your wife and family. These are questions we asked one another during the course of 2 1/2 weeks. You could pose these questions for a dinner time conversation. Or right before you go to bed you and your wife can sit down for a half hour to an hour and discuss the questions. For those of you who are single, the questions apply to you as well. Perhaps you may want to find a close friend who will hold you accountable in these things. The purpose of these questions is to stimulate your thinking about how you are using your wealth, time, and resources for the sake of God’s Kingdom.

1. In what way are we laying up treasures in heaven? (vague but you can build on it)

2. Where is the bulk of our money going towards? (Are we giving in proportion to our wealth? – is the real question)

3. Where is the bulk of our time being spent? (You should clock how much time you spend in front of your TV. How much of your time is spent scurrying from all the different activities your kids are involved you don’t have time to invest in kingdom work.)

4. In what way are we modeling to our children that money is our god?

5. What is the driving factor behind your career path? (Gain wealth, Prestige, Power)

6. Parents, the question you should be asking your children as they prepare for their future is... Have you thought about missions?? Have you thought about full time ministry?? And then if the Lord closes that door, great…

7. What are you doing with your time so that you are cultivating a heart of godliness?

8. For those of you who are retired…Have you considered short term missions or mid term missions?

"It's Bath Time"

The other day I was asked the question, “How do you cleanse your wife by the washing of water with the word?” The person asking wanted to know what this might look like practically in a marriage relationship. I felt somewhat prepared because I have given the concept (truth based on Ephesians 5) much thought in the recent past. It seems like a nebulous command that the Apostle Paul gives us. The context of the Ephesians 5:25-31 seems to be what Christ did for the church. Christ loved the church so much that he gave his life for her. By giving His life for the church, He presents the church to Himself holy and without blemish. The husbands love for his wife is a purifying kind of love. His love for her should cause him to do whatever it takes to lead her to purity both in her thoughts and in her actions. The primary means by which this is accomplished is through the word of God. Here’s where it gets tricky. What does it actually look like to apply Ephesians 5:26 in our marriage? I think this takes place in various forms. Whenever we apply what the Scriptures says we always need to understand the underlying biblical principle. The underlying principle behind “cleansing” one’s wife with the word is keeping her pure primarily by bringing her back to the Scriptures when her actions or thinking contradicts the teachings of Scripture. Here is where husbands must learn how to be a student of his wife. He needs to ask her how she would be best ministered to, particularly as it relates to being “cleansed” by the word. For some marriages, the husband and wife have a set time where they sit down in the evening and the husband instructs his wife in the Scriptures. For some wives this is perfectly fine, but other wives may feel like they are one of their husbands project if he were to approach her in this way. In some marriages, the husbands “washing” of his wife in the word is not so structured. Perhaps he may ask her periodically how her quiet times have been, listen to her, and then supplement her insights with insights of his own related to what she is learning. As I’ve sought to apply Ephesians 5:26 in my marriage, what works for us is the less structured approach. I try to ask my wife how her quiet times with the Lord have been about three times a week. This takes place usually when we go for a walk in the morning or in the evening after we’ve put the kids to bed. After I ask her, then she often proceeds to tell me about what book in the Bible she is reading, what passage specifically she’s been meditating on and how she’s applying it. Sometimes she comes across a passage she needs clarification on and here’s when I usually take the time to instruct or I tell her that I will look it up and get back to her. Another way that I apply Ephesians 5:26 is by writing her a note. For example, if she shares with me an a issue in which she is struggling with, I’ve learned that it’s not helpful for her if I pull out all the Bible passages that deal with her particular struggle and machine gun her with those passages. What works best in our relationship is when I write a note asking her to mediate on a particular passage that addresses her particular struggle and then remind her in that note that I’ll be praying for her throughout the day.

Hope that helps.