Recently, I was asked by someone whom I dearly respect as a parent for my philosophy in parenting. When asked, I thought, “now that’s a loaded question.” And on top of that I hadn’t really formalized my philosophy of parenting because much of it is still in progress. But I thought for a moment, and realized that every single parent has a philosophy of parenting whether it is formally written in document form or not.
I had 5 minutes to answer a relatively complicated question which I didn’t think was enough time, so I thought I’d give a somewhat well thought out answer on this blog. Here is my best attempt. My wife and I aim to shepherd the heart of our children with the Scriptures, so that they will grow to love Christ. That is the bottom line philosophy of our parenting. That is the goal which we shoot for as we seek to train up our children in the ways of the Lord. Much of this has been shaped by Ted Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart and a plethora of others who have gone before us (see parenting resources in the right column). Shepherding a Child’s Heart was life changing in how we viewed parenting, and it continues to have impact in what we do. But that phrase, “shepherding a child’s heart” can be nebulous. In Tripp’s book he lays out the biblical principle; which is good. We need to be driven by biblical principles. But what does that look like when your child is 2 years old and what does it look like when they he/she is in Jr. high school, high school, college, etc…? To shepherd the heart of the child is ultimately where we want to arrive as parents. I think that’s how we need to look at it. Therefore, our methodology has to drive us to that end when it comes to parenting. If that’s the goal, there has to be steps along the way that gets us there. We can’t just have a goal in mind and expect to land there haphazardly. We need to develop a plan. If you believe in the end goal then what are the steps that will take you there? The problem with the heart of children is that deep down inside they are sinful (Psalm 51:5; cf Romans 3:23), and we know that apart from the saving work of the gospel their heart will always be sinful to the core. So that’s the first step. The Scriptures must be at the core of our parenting because the Scriptures (along with the Holy Spirit) is what will awaken their hearts from its deadness (James 1:18). Whether they completely understand it or not, the Scriptures must always be brought to bear in the lives of our children as we parent them.
The tension then is that we as parents are called to train our children and allow the work of the Holy Spirit to transform their lives with His word. However, we are not called upon to passively parent. We must actively parent them. We must actively instruct them (Deuteronomy 6:4ff; Psalm 78:1-8). The reason why we must be active is because this is how we get to their heart. So how do you get to the heart? You have to get a hold of the external behavior first. What I mean is that when they are two years old and you tell them to obey, and they don’t want to, you really can’t appeal to their heart just yet. They just need to obey because you tell them to do something (Eph 6:2). If you try to “shepherd the heart” at this stage you will get nowhere, and you will end up becoming more and more frustrated and discouraged with your child. Your goal in these early years (between 18 months to 5 years old) is to get them to submit to your authority. The veneer of external rebellion must first be put away, and this is a process that will consistently play a significant role in your parenting. This means that as long as your child does not submit to your authority you will never get to the heart. Once you peel away at the layer of submitting to you then you have a view into their heart. The advantage with starting off at a young age is that the external behaviors that need to be peeled away are relatively small. It usually has something to do with simply obeying mom and dad when told to do something the first time. It usually means not whining when told to do something (Phil 2:14). If you wait until your child is older before you set the standard of first time obedience you will get excited about “Johnny” taking out the garbage when asked the first time, but you will miss that he rolled his eyes at you when you asked him to do it. The “rolling eyes” or the “deep sighs” are actually a window into their heart. But if your attention is on the external, then you missed what’s going on in the heart. You missed that “Johnny” does not yet have a tender heart towards those in authority over him. You missed that “Johnny” does not respect his mom or dad.
I’m not saying that it will be easy. But I am saying that it will require consistency. We shepherd the heart of our children because we want them to ultimately submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and His word.
That in a nutshell, that is the bottom line philosophy of parenting my wife and I seek to live by. I hope that helps. It was a great question because it forced me to think about why we do what we do in our home.
I had 5 minutes to answer a relatively complicated question which I didn’t think was enough time, so I thought I’d give a somewhat well thought out answer on this blog. Here is my best attempt. My wife and I aim to shepherd the heart of our children with the Scriptures, so that they will grow to love Christ. That is the bottom line philosophy of our parenting. That is the goal which we shoot for as we seek to train up our children in the ways of the Lord. Much of this has been shaped by Ted Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart and a plethora of others who have gone before us (see parenting resources in the right column). Shepherding a Child’s Heart was life changing in how we viewed parenting, and it continues to have impact in what we do. But that phrase, “shepherding a child’s heart” can be nebulous. In Tripp’s book he lays out the biblical principle; which is good. We need to be driven by biblical principles. But what does that look like when your child is 2 years old and what does it look like when they he/she is in Jr. high school, high school, college, etc…? To shepherd the heart of the child is ultimately where we want to arrive as parents. I think that’s how we need to look at it. Therefore, our methodology has to drive us to that end when it comes to parenting. If that’s the goal, there has to be steps along the way that gets us there. We can’t just have a goal in mind and expect to land there haphazardly. We need to develop a plan. If you believe in the end goal then what are the steps that will take you there? The problem with the heart of children is that deep down inside they are sinful (Psalm 51:5; cf Romans 3:23), and we know that apart from the saving work of the gospel their heart will always be sinful to the core. So that’s the first step. The Scriptures must be at the core of our parenting because the Scriptures (along with the Holy Spirit) is what will awaken their hearts from its deadness (James 1:18). Whether they completely understand it or not, the Scriptures must always be brought to bear in the lives of our children as we parent them.
The tension then is that we as parents are called to train our children and allow the work of the Holy Spirit to transform their lives with His word. However, we are not called upon to passively parent. We must actively parent them. We must actively instruct them (Deuteronomy 6:4ff; Psalm 78:1-8). The reason why we must be active is because this is how we get to their heart. So how do you get to the heart? You have to get a hold of the external behavior first. What I mean is that when they are two years old and you tell them to obey, and they don’t want to, you really can’t appeal to their heart just yet. They just need to obey because you tell them to do something (Eph 6:2). If you try to “shepherd the heart” at this stage you will get nowhere, and you will end up becoming more and more frustrated and discouraged with your child. Your goal in these early years (between 18 months to 5 years old) is to get them to submit to your authority. The veneer of external rebellion must first be put away, and this is a process that will consistently play a significant role in your parenting. This means that as long as your child does not submit to your authority you will never get to the heart. Once you peel away at the layer of submitting to you then you have a view into their heart. The advantage with starting off at a young age is that the external behaviors that need to be peeled away are relatively small. It usually has something to do with simply obeying mom and dad when told to do something the first time. It usually means not whining when told to do something (Phil 2:14). If you wait until your child is older before you set the standard of first time obedience you will get excited about “Johnny” taking out the garbage when asked the first time, but you will miss that he rolled his eyes at you when you asked him to do it. The “rolling eyes” or the “deep sighs” are actually a window into their heart. But if your attention is on the external, then you missed what’s going on in the heart. You missed that “Johnny” does not yet have a tender heart towards those in authority over him. You missed that “Johnny” does not respect his mom or dad.
I’m not saying that it will be easy. But I am saying that it will require consistency. We shepherd the heart of our children because we want them to ultimately submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and His word.
That in a nutshell, that is the bottom line philosophy of parenting my wife and I seek to live by. I hope that helps. It was a great question because it forced me to think about why we do what we do in our home.
1 comment:
Thank you Roland! Very encouraging and helpful for us new parents!
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